So you want to be a style blogger? I don’t blame you. Who wouldn’t want such a glamorous life–bursting with parties, fashion shows, and fame? Oh, wait, scratch that. Who wouldn’t want such a glamorous life–bursting with flannel pants, fistfuls of Oreos, and Friends reruns you don’t publicly admit to watching? If you answered yes to all of the above, you’ve come to the right place. Kate Foo is here to get you outfitted with all of the tools your Dior for Home Depot toolbelt will need!

1.) Wardrobe: First and foremost, you must have the equivalent in clothes to what Wayne Gretzky has in points. I’m aware of what a weak analogy that is, but I just really like hockey and wanted to say that. So just have a lot of clothes. Woah woah, slow down! They can’t just be any old clothes. You need to have only the most cutting edge couture. Now, I know that’s a little unrealistic, so this is where the fun part comes in. When you’re wearing a skirt you bought at Target a year ago, simply inform someone that it’s “vintage” and you “can’t remember where you got it.” I already did that twice this morning.

2.) Relationship: Have a boyfriend who is never seen, but exists for the sole purpose of taking photographs of you looking particularly ethereal. The emotional content of your relationship is completely irrelevant, so long as he possesses a tripod, a Nikon D90, and a copy of Photoshop. You might even want to consider getting a second boyfriend on the side who can offer you graphic design capabilities in exchange for the occasional pat on the back.

3.) Location: Live in an exotic locale. You can’t just live in any old mudhut and expect to get respect and recognition as a real blogger. Honestly, people. Find yourself a flat somewhere like Copenhagen or Portland. Basically anywhere that has an accent mark in its name or can boast an all-vegan strip club qualifies. At least until Givenchy uses mudhuts as a backdrop for their 2017 winter advertising campaign.

4.) Content: Despite having only a high school diploma to your name, feel entitled to give brash, significant pieces of life advice. It is a scientific fact that when you register a domain name, you are automatically blessed with the medical wisdom of an E.R. surgeon. It is absolutely essential that you share this new found knowledge with your readers. How do they get clear, perfect skin? How to they overcome their troubled past? How do they get themselves a photographer boyfriend? Well…HOW?!

5.) Socialization: Have exciting friends. Those people you share treasured kindergarten memories with are, frankly, rather boring. When you are out and about, keep your eyes peeled for anyone who looks remotely interesting and/or famous. Snatch them up and quickly Instagram a photo of you two with a caption along the lines of “Me and my favorite person in the world! Kisses!” Maybe you can even convince your new acquaintances to read your blog? +3 pageviews!

Blogging can be a rough and Tumblr journey, but if you follow these steps, you’ll be sitting in the front row of Paris Fashion week by next season. Or you’ll be homeless and alienated from society. Either way, you’ll definitely look utterly avant-garde. Bon chance!

Testimonials provided upon request.