Wednesday was my last day at my (now former) job. Seeing as I’m leaving the country, this really shouldn’t come as particularly shocking news. Though, moving or not, I’m not especially devastated about stepping down from the position. You see, I worked in retail. The much-heralded title of “sales associate” wasn’t something I treasured or hoped to build into an actual career. Yet, despite the fact I sit here telling myself “I will never work in retail again!” (Think Scarlett O’Hara on top of that hill at the part of Gone With the Wind when you think it’s over, but then it just tells you to put in the second disc) I did learn quite a few things about life, love, and the human race as a whole.
1.) The amount of money people have is directly proportional to their thinking it’s okay to wear sunglasses indoors.
2.) If you ask me where the Michael Kors section is, I will assume you are a drug dealer.
3.) There are people in the world who will spend over a thousand dollars on a diaper bag. Just let that one soak in.
4.) Hearing this song three times a day will slowly but surely drive a person insane.
5.) Zero percent of every threatened angry letter is actually written.
6.) You could sell a paper bag for $5,000, as long as it says “Dior” across the front. In fact, why not boost that to a solid $7,500?
7.) Women who shop on Tuesday, between the hours of 11 and 1, are sad, lonely people with rich, neglectful husbands.
8.) There is nothing better than a bowl of tomato soup after a day’s work.
9.) Take how annoying you think children are already, and then multiply that by five for a more correct reading.
10.) You will start saying things like “I think I kinda sorta really need these” in regards to a pair of $900 boots.
11.) Maxi skirts are essentially yoga pants, except you look like you didn’t stay up playing Lord of the Rings Online until 2:30 AM the previous night.
12.) Playing dress-up in the mirror when there are no customers will, in the end, make you poor.
13.) The same applies for browsing Net-A-Porter with your department’s iPad.
14.) Despite a large and well-placed sign reading “Family Restroom” people will spend five minutes attempting to pry open the locked door while you are in there.
15.) Labor unions should begin demanding nap rooms.
16.) Three tea bags provide just the right amount of caffeine to get you through noon.
17.) An easy way to pass the time is to begin a relationship with a guy in the department across from yours that consists of looking at each other, and then looking away as quickly as possible. Bonus: You can stop wasting money on all of those frivolous “dates”!
18.) Don’t judge a book by the length of its glued-on fingernails.
19.) You will start choosing your outfits based on the number of secret spots to stash your cellular device.
20.) Paul Blart is real. And there is no way he could chase down that shady character to your left.
21.) Keeping Up With the Kardashians is always going to be on in the break room and you are just going to have to suck it up.
22.) “Hi, how are you?” and “Are you finding everything okay?” become compulsive reflexes you can no longer control.
23.) Two percent of all men looking for an “anniversary gift” actually have an anniversary to celebrate. The rest are just hoping you won’t notice their neckbeard and will laugh at their jokes.
24.) You will start off using the staircase for all of those health shenanigans. This will quickly progress to a point where you completely skip the escalator and go straight to the elevator for all transportational requirements.
25.) There is so much more to life than selling rich people things they don’t need.